Since You’re Still Watching…

​Since You’re Still Watching…

 I learned something recently that genuinely made me laugh. Apparently, there are people who believe they know an awful lot about what I’ve been doing, where I’ve been going, who I’ve been spending time with, what I’ve posted and, apparently, what I posted quite some time ago. My first thought when I realized just how closely some folks have been paying attention was, “Wait… y’all are STILL watching me?”

😂

The funniest part about that is I genuinely could not tell you what those same people are doing with their lives. I don’t check for them, look for their social media, ask about them, bring them up in conversation or sit around trying to decipher the meaning behind something they posted six months ago. There is no secret investigation happening over here, and there certainly isn’t a group chat dedicated to discussing people from chapters of my life that I finished reading a long time ago.

I have an entire life to live, and it is a pretty amazing one!!

There is a difference between saying you have moved on and actually reaching the place where you have. Real freedom does not require an announcement every other Tuesday, nor does it require secretly keeping tabs on people while pretending you don’t care. Sometimes you simply wake up one day and realize that the person, situation or season that once had the ability to completely disrupt your peace no longer has any weight in your life.

Never again!

That does not mean I hate anybody, wish anything bad on anybody or need anybody to suffer in order for me to feel vindicated. It simply means I have reached a place where what somebody else thinks about me, says about me or chooses to believe about me does not require my participation.

Baby, THAT is freedom.

Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, do better,” and I know better now.

There was absolutely a version of Leslie who would have picked up that phone, corrected every lie, addressed every accusation, pulled out every receipt and made sure everybody involved knew exactly what happened.

Chileeeee, she could make a CASE too. 😂

That woman is still in here somewhere, so please don’t confuse growth with an inability to respond. The difference is that I no longer want to respond to everything. Healing has taught me that every accusation does not deserve a defense, every misunderstanding does not require clarification and every invitation to foolishness does not require my attendance.

Some things simply are not worth my peace.

Philippians 4:7 says, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” 

I understand that scripture differently in this season of my life, since I have learned that peace does not necessarily mean everybody gets along, everybody understands you or everybody agrees with your decisions. Sometimes peace looks like knowing somebody doesn’t like you and sleeping just fine - peacefully - anyway. Sometimes it means knowing somebody has misunderstood you and resisting the urge to write a dissertation explaining yourself. Sometimes it means discovering that your name is being discussed in rooms you have not entered in years and thinking, Well, I hope they spell it right.

😂

That is growth for me.

People sometimes struggle to accept that the version of you they remember no longer exists. They remember the person who needed to be understood, who wanted their approval, who would defend herself until she was exhausted or who was still emotionally connected enough for their opinion to matter. Life has a way of changing that person, especially when you have lived through enough to understand just how expensive peace can be.

Audre Lorde wrote, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation,” and protecting my peace has become part of the way I care for myself. I have survived far too much and fought far too hard to become the woman I am today to hand my peace over to people who are not even active participants in my life.

My life right now is full. I am writing books, traveling, loving and raising my daughters, laughing with people who genuinely love me, doing work that matters to me, dreaming again, letting things go, starting things over and learning how to embrace a life that looks completely different from the one I thought I would have.

I am doing all of that while legally blind, which makes the idea of constantly looking backward even funnier.

I can barely see forward, and somehow I am still going that way.

Now THAT will preach. 😂

Isaiah 43:18 says, “Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.” The very next verse begins, “Behold, I will do a new thing.” Those words mean something different when you have watched God rebuild pieces of your life that you were convinced were gone forever.

The new thing deserves more of my attention than the old thing. 

Read that again. 

My future deserves more of me than my past, and the people who love me in the present deserve more of my energy than people who are committed to creating narratives that simply do not serve me or my family in this season.

There is also something else I have learned that I wish more people understood: you can watch me without knowing me.

You can see every picture I post, watch every story, read every caption, pay attention to every trip, notice who is standing beside me and still have absolutely no idea what is happening in my actual life. Social media gives people visibility, but visibility should never be confused with access.

History does not guarantee continued access to me. 

DNA does not automatically guarantee access to me. 

A former relationship does not guarantee access to me, and knowing who I used to be certainly does not give anyone ownership over the woman I am.

Toni Morrison once said, “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.” That is the part I understand now in a way I could not have understood years ago. Freedom is more than walking away from something; sometimes freedom is finally deciding that you do not owe the people standing behind you an explanation for where you are going.

My joy is not revenge, my healing is not a performance and my success is not an attempt to make anybody regret how they treated me. I do not need a beautiful life so somebody else can be jealous of it, nor do I need somebody else to lose for me to feel like I have won.

This is simply my life, and I happen to really, really like it.

Everything is not perfect over here, but I have peace, purpose, people who genuinely love me, daughters I adore, places I have not seen yet, books I have not written yet and rooms I have not walked into yet. Most importantly, 

I serve a God who has already shown me that losing my sight did not mean losing my future.

There is entirely too much ahead of me to spend my time arguing with what is behind me.

So, if you happen to be one of the people who is still watching, checking, discussing, analyzing and keeping up with what Leslie has going on these days, there really are no hard feelings over here. I just hope you’re enjoying yourself. 😂

Pull up a chair, get comfortable and grab some popcorn, baby, because if you think there has been a lot to talk about already, you might want to keep watching.

Life is already pretty GREAT over here, and the beautiful thing is, I’m just getting started.

Since you’re still watching…

Stay tuned. I know you will.

May God bless you and all your future endeavors. ✌🏾