I Wrote the Part I Was Supposed to Keep to Myself

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I Wrote the Part I Was Supposed to Keep to Myself

So… I released another book.

I still don’t think that has completely registered.

Forward Anyway is officially out in the world, and now that people can actually READ IT, I have had a few moments of wondering why in the world I told y’all all that. 😂

Seriously.

There were parts I wrote and immediately thought, Oh, Leslie. We’re saying this out loud?

Apparently so.

I never sat down and decided I was going to write some deep, vulnerable book about my whole life. I thought I was continuing the story I started in Diary of an Angry, Black, and Blind Girl.

Then life kept happening.

That changed the book.

Truthfully, it changed me too.

I Thought I Was Still Writing About Going Blind

That would have made sense.

I had plenty to say about that.

Losing my sight changed almost everything about the way I live. I had to learn how to navigate spaces differently, ask for help differently, trust people differently and accept that some of the independence I had taken for granted was gone.

That alone could have filled another book.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that, I realized something.

Blindness wasn’t the only thing I was grieving.

Whew.

Now we had a problem. 😂

There were relationships I had to grieve.

Expectations.

People.

Plans.

Old versions of myself.

Things I thought God was going to do one way that He clearly had other plans for.

Some things actually ended. Some things didn’t end, but they changed so much that I had to learn how to love them differently.

Life was life-ing while I was still trying to figure out how to use a white stick.

How rude. 😂

I think that’s when Forward Anyway really started becoming Forward Anyway.

Grief Will Find You

Grief has a way of showing up when you weren’t looking for it.

A smell can do it.

A song.

A place.

A random Tuesday when you thought you were doing perfectly fine.

Suddenly you’re standing there missing something you already accepted was gone.

I’ve learned that acceptance doesn’t mean I stopped caring.

Healing doesn’t mean I forgot.

Moving forward doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally look backward.

It just means I don’t live there anymore.

That reminded me of Ecclesiastes:

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV

I don’t particularly like every season.

There. I said it.

Some seasons I would have gladly skipped. Some I asked God to shorten. Some I tried to pray myself right on out of. 😂

Still, there was purpose there.

There are things I will probably always wish had happened differently. I don’t need to pretend otherwise to prove that I’ve healed.

I can miss it and still move forward.

I can love somebody and still leave.

I can wish it had worked and still know it shouldn’t have.

I can grieve what I lost and still thank God for what remains.

Two things can be true at the same time.

Then We Got Into My Relationships

Chile.

😂

This is the part where I probably should have closed the laptop.

I did not.

I started writing about love, attachment, alignment, access, boundaries, friendship, disappointment, father wounds, obsession, confusion and discernment.

Somewhere in there I even decided I needed to have a conversation with sighted women.

Then I wrote one for sighted men.

I don’t know who gave me permission.

Actually, I do.

Me. 😂

Some of those chapters made me uncomfortable.

It’s not that I don’t believe what I wrote. I absolutely do.

They made me uncomfortable because I could see myself in them.

That’s different.

That hits differently.

It’s easy to talk about what somebody did to you.

It takes a little more maturity to sit with what you allowed.

What you ignored.

What you excused.

What you kept trying to make fit.

What you called love when sometimes it was really attachment.

What you knew wasn’t right but didn’t want to release yet.

Proverbs says:

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
Proverbs 4:23 KJV

For years I think I read “guard your heart” as don’t let anybody hurt you.

I understand it differently now.

Guarding my heart also means I have a responsibility for what I continue giving access to.

Whew.

Yeah.

I put that in the book too.

Losing My Sight Made Me Pay Attention Differently

There is an irony in that sentence that is not lost on me.

I can’t see the way I used to, but I notice things now that I didn’t notice before.

Energy.

Consistency.

Effort.

Safety.

Intentions.

How people make me feel when I need help.

Whether someone listens when I tell them what I need or decides they know what’s best for me.

I have to trust people differently now.

If somebody is guiding me through an unfamiliar place, I need to know they’re paying attention. I need them to tell me when there’s a step. I need them to notice what’s in front of me. I need them to understand that when I place my hand on them, I am trusting them with something important.

I need them to be my eyes.

One day it hit me.

That’s not just a lesson about blindness.

That’s a lesson about relationships.

Who am I allowing to lead me somewhere?

Are they paying attention?

Do they understand what I’ve trusted them with?

Do I feel safe?

Can I say what I need without being made to feel like I’m asking for too much?

Now THAT will preach.

I wasn’t even trying to preach.

See how this happens? 😂

God Was in All of It

And still is. 

That’s the part I can’t leave out.

He never left.

There have been days during this journey when I prayed for God to change the situation.

Sometimes He did.

Other times He changed me.

I didn’t always appreciate that answer.

Let’s just tell the truth.

There were things I wanted restored. People I wanted to understand me. Doors I wanted opened. Answers I thought I deserved.

God gave me clarity at times…

And other times He gave me silence.

Sometimes He gave me enough strength to get through that day and apparently decided we could discuss tomorrow when tomorrow got here.

I kept moving.

I can acknowledge my movement wasn’t graceful every time.

Nor was it happy every time.

Definitely was not quietly every time.

Still moving.

Isaiah 43:2 says:

“When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee.”

I love that scripture differently now because God never said I wouldn’t have to go through.

That’s the part.

He said He would be with me in it.

I kept wanting God to remove things that He was apparently planning to walk me through.

Rude again. 😂

Then there is this one:

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
2 Corinthians 5:7 KJV

Now come on, God.

You know I had to sit with that.

Walk by faith, not by sight.

Sir.

I am literally blind.

😂

That scripture has always meant something to me, but it means something completely different now.

I used to think faith meant trusting God when I couldn’t see how something was going to work out.

Now I understand what it means to move when I cannot see the road the way everybody else can.

I have learned to listen.

For instructions.

For footsteps.

For what’s around me.

For the voice of somebody I trust.

Spiritually, God has been teaching me the same thing.

“And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it.”
Isaiah 30:21 KJV

There it is.

I don’t have to see the whole road.

I just need to hear God clearly enough to take the next step.

That’s Where

Forward Anyway

Came From

I still don’t have everything figured out.

Please don’t read this book expecting that woman.

She doesn’t live here. 😂

This book came from learning how to move while I was still figuring things out.

Still healing.

Still grieving.

Still dating.

Still parenting.

Still working.

Still leading.

Still praying.

Still getting irritated.

Still laughing.

Still asking God questions.

Still becoming.

I think sometimes we believe we need this big moment before we can move forward.

Closure.

An apology.

An explanation.

A breakthrough.

A sign from God written across the sky.

Something.

I’ve waited for some of those things too.

Life taught me that sometimes the moment never comes.

You just wake up one morning and realize you cannot keep living in the same emotional place waiting for something outside of you to change.

Paul said it better than I ever could:

“Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark…”
Philippians 3:13-14 KJV

Reaching forth.

Pressing.

Neither one sounds passive to me.

Moving forward requires effort when you don’t feel like you have any effort left.

So you move a little.

Then a little more.

You cry again.

You get mad again.

You pray again.

You may even have one of those days where you swear you are completely over it and discover by 4:37 that you absolutely are not. 😂

You keep going anyway.

That’s healing too.

So Yes, I Told Y’all My Business

Some of it.

Let’s not get carried away. 😂

There are stories in Forward Anyway that I probably could have kept to myself.

There are things I admitted that would have been much easier to dress up and make pretty.

I didn’t want to do that.

If I’m going to tell you to move forward, I need you to know I am not yelling instructions from some imaginary finish line.

I’m walking too.

My stick is in my hand.

God is ordering my steps.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.”
Psalm 37:23 KJV

Some days I know exactly where I’m going.

Other days I’m listening for His voice and trusting the next step.

Maybe you’re somewhere in that space too.

Maybe something happened that you didn’t choose.

Maybe somebody left.

Maybe you finally left.

Maybe the plan changed.

Maybe you’re grieving something nobody else even realizes you lost.

Maybe you’re trying to figure out who you are now that life doesn’t look the way you thought it would.

I don’t have a cute five-step answer for you.

I do know this:

You cannot stay there forever.

Sit if you need to.

Cry.

Pray.

Be mad.

Ask God why.

Rest.

Get yourself together.

Lose it again if you need to.

Just don’t unpack your bags and make a home in the place that hurt you.

There is still life on the other side of this.

There is still purpose.

There is still joy.

There is still YOU.

Most importantly, there is still God.

The same God who was with you before it happened is the God who is standing with you now.

I know that because I’m living it.

Limited sight and all.

So get up, girl.

We’ve got somewhere to go.

Forward anyway.

Forward Anyway: Diary of an Angry, Black, and Blind Girl, Volume Two

Sight Limited. Purpose Unlimited.

Grab your digital copy today:

https://lesliecouncil.gumroad.com/l/Forwardanyway

or order it from my website:

leslieacouncil.net

God bless you!