Disappointed, But Still Devoted!

 

There is a version of faith that people celebrate loudly.  This version comes with testimonies wrapped in victory, prayers answered exactly the way they were requested, and outcomes that make sense to everyone watching from a distance.  That version of faith is easy to share.

This is not that version.

This is the kind of faith that sits quietly in disappointment and chooses God anyway.  This is the kind of faith that processes news that was never expected, and absorbs moments that feel heavy and uncertain, yet still finds a way to whisper, "I trust You", even when the words feel unfamiliar in your mouth.

In moments of disappointment, it's incredible where your mind goes and how the enemy can play tricks on you.  I've found myself so angry this past weekend.  I've questioned God.  I've questioned why I'm even here to keep getting bad news.  I've prayed.  I've been faithful.  I have sought wise Counsel.  I am working really hard to cope and adjust.  And still - I keep getting bad news.  

Lord, why are You putting Your daughter through all this?

I did not wake up feeling victorious this morning.  But I did wake up with God and scripture on my mind.   I woke up thinking about seeking God first.

I did not allow myself to go down the spiral of what this Monday holds.  I did not wait for my emotions to settle or for any sort of clarity about this day ahead.  I did not wait for the first text, phone call, email, or anything else to distract me.

I sought God.  First.

The weekend is over.  The doctor's appointment happened.  The beach was a good escape.  

But - I'm still disappointed.

There is something uncomfortable about choosing devotion before your feelings agree.  It requires a level of surrender that most people never talk about, because it does not look polished.  It looks like sitting with questions that do not have immediate answers.  It looks like showing up to God without a performance or stage, without pretending to be okay, and without trying to package pain into something more digestible. 

Disappointment has a way of revealing what you really believe.  It exposes whether your faith is anchored in outcomes or in God Himself.  It challenges the quiet expectations you didn't even realize you had.  It forces you to confront the difference between trusting God when things are working in your favor and still trusting Him when they are not.

I am learning that devotion is not proven in the moments where everything aligns.  Devotion is revealed in the moments where it seems nothing does.  It is easy to say "God is good" when life feels good.  It takes something deeper to say it when you are adjusting to a reality you did not ask for.  When you are navigating changes that requires you to move differently, think differently, and see yourself differently, devotion becomes a choice that must be made over and over again.

There is a tension that exists here.  A very real, very human tension.

Gratitude and grief can live in the same space.  

Faith and frustration can sit at the same table.  

Strength does not cancel out disappointment, and disappointment does not disqualify you from being faithful.

I am still human in my faith.

I can acknowledge what hurts without losing my reverence for God.  I can feel the weight of what I am facing and still choose to believe that God is intentional.  

That Let's really break down the word intentional.  That word has been sitting with me a lot lately.  

Intentional means purposeful.  Done on purpose.  Not random.  Not careless.  Not accidental.

Which raises a real question.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone said they never intended to hurt you or cause harm?  That person may have even said it with sincerity and conviction, with the expectation that their lack of intention should soften the impact of what you exprienced.

And you disagreed.  You disagreed because regardless of what they intended, the outcome still hurt.  The damage still landed.  The experience still shaped you in ways you did not ask for.

So what should you do with that?  

When it comes to people, intention and impact often do not always align.  Someone can mean well and still leave you carrying the weight of the damage they caused.

This is where discernment becomes necessary.

Once you understand that intention and impact do not always align, you have to decide what you are willing to carry… and what you are no longer called to.

Not everyone in your life is assigned to your journey.

Some people are not malicious. They are not intentionally trying to hurt you. They are not waking up plotting your downfall. But their presence still disrupts your peace. Their words still plant doubt. Their behavior still pulls you away from the very things you are trying to stay anchored in.

And that matters, because anything that consistently distracts you from God, delays your obedience, or disturbs your alignment cannot be ignored simply because the intention behind it was not harmful.

Discernment requires honesty.

It requires you to look beyond what someone meant and acknowledge what their presence is actually producing in your life. It requires you to stop excusing patterns that are costing you your peace, your focus, and your growth.

Some people are not meant to walk where you are going.

And that does not make them bad. It makes them misaligned. There is a difference between loving people and being led by them.

There is a difference between extending grace and ignoring what God is revealing to you.

Sometimes obedience to God will look like distance. It will look like boundaries. It will look like choosing your calling over your comfort.

That is not rejection.

That is alignment.

I can admit that I do not understand everything unfolding in my life while also recognizing that my understanding has never been the requirement for His sovereignty.

God is not human.  There is no gap between His intention and His impact.  

God is not careless with my life. He is not moving randomly.  He is not allowing things to unfold without purpose attached to them.  Even when I don't feel good, I do have total trust in His intention.  Nothing in my life is happening without His awareness, His permission, or His purpose.

While that does not erase the disappointment, it does anchor my devotion.

There is a difference between walking away from God and walking with Him through something you do not like.

I am choosing to walk with Him.  

Even here.

Still.

I may not understand what God is doing, but I will never question that He is doing it on purpose.  I don't need to understand the plan to trust the God who wrote it.  If I trust that He is intentional then nothing I am facing is meaningless.  Maybe that is the real test of my faith - trusting His intention even when I don't like His execution.

Even with the unanswered questions.  Even in the uncertainty.  Even in the moments where I have to remind myself that His plan is not threatened by my discomfort.

Then… in the middle of all of that…

God answered me.

Not through a sermon. Not through a perfectly timed scripture. Not even in the way I expected.

But through a stranger.

My waiter looked at me and said, “You’re blessed.”

And then told me to “take your honorary position.”

I paused.

Because here I am, questioning God, asking Him why I am going through all of this… and in the same breath, He sends a reminder that I am still chosen.

Still covered.

Still called.

Still positioned.

Even here.

It didn’t erase the disappointment. It didn’t suddenly make everything make sense. But it shifted something in me.

Because maybe this season is not punishment.

Maybe it’s positioning.

Maybe what feels like loss is actually preparation. Maybe what feels like disruption is divine alignment. Maybe what I am struggling to understand is God being intentional in ways I cannot yet see.

And just like that…

my question didn’t disappear…

But my perspective started to change.

Devotion, for me, looks like alignment.  It's choosing God's presence before I choose my own perspective.  It looks like grounding myself in His word before I allow my thoughts to run ahead of me.  I am trusting what is being added, removed, and rearranged in my life.  All this movement can't be random - even though it feels disruptive.

Everything about this season has required me to move differently.  Slowing down, paying attention, listening more, seeing less... relying on God in ways that feel so unfamiliar, and at times, uncomfortable.

There was a time when I measured progress by how much I could accomplish on my own.  There was a time when independence felt like strength and control felt like security.  This season has shifted that entirely.

Now, strength looks like surrender.

Growth looks like trust.

Devotion looks like choosing God before I have proof that everything will work out the way I imagined.

I am learning that God does not need my understanding to be faithful to me.  He does not need my agreement to be intentional.  He does not need me to have it all together in order to continue working in my life.  

He only requires my heart.

So I give it to Him honestly.  

Just present.

Disappointed, but still devoted.

And that in itself, is faith.